I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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