what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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