haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
