Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize