do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
