I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
