It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
