In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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