Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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