She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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