saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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