The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
