Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
