Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
