nut hugger
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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