I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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