hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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