how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
