every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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