I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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