Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
two words: eviction party
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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