not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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