It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
