I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
