the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
