why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
