nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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