So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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