I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
