I accidentally had phone sex last night
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
