They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish you could order shots online.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
