Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
