I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
