you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We were destined to go to rehab together
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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