Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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