just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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