When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
