I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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