Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
