So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
