It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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