Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am one with the molecules
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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