Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize