I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
