I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
