Sober January is a disaster.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
