I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I deserve this hangover.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
