five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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