apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
