I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
