As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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