This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
