My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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