the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
