I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
