I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
