She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
