brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize